Skid Marks and Egg McMuffins

I like to drive.

I like road trips too. As a kid I hated them. Road trips meant having to sit still for long periods of time without being able to go to the bathroom or stretch your legs and being crammed next to your siblings who you were forced to get along with or dad would "turn this car right around!".

My first memory of road trips is of me puking up a Egg McMuffin all over the front seat of my parents' old white Carolla. To this day I refuse to eat Egg McMuffins. I avoid McDonalds like the plague anyways, but that's another topic.

Road trips were always so boring. Kids have no perception of the outside world. As kids we think that the entire world is contained within backyards and schoolyards, stuffy classrooms and candy shops. We could be driving through canyons carved thousands of years ago by colossal glaciers and we were concentrating on crushing each other around corners or that stupid little patch of light coming through the window that kept making your arm uncomfortably hot.

Now I enjoy road trips. Maybe I'm just more easily amused. I've been on a few with friends and that's always fun, but I've even done a couple by myself that I've enjoyed. I just throw on some Audioslave, pop the sunroof open and cruise. It gives you a lot of time to think and enjoy the scenery. I see a lot of places and think "I bet there's a great view from that mountain." Or I stop and grab a bite to eat in a little podunk truck stop town and think about how I'm glad I didn't grow up there, destined to flip burgers for the rest of my life wondering about the outside world that I would probably never see.

The only thing that really gets to me on road trips--the only thing that consistently interrupts my driving zen, is other drivers. Despite the fact that I enjoy the scenery and the time to think to myself, I still like to get wherever I'm going fast. I'd say my average speed on road trips is 90mph. It's ok. I've got skills: police detection skills, pothole avoidance skills, etc. What bothers me is people that don't know how to drive on a four lane highway. Naturally, I pass a lot of people. Not everybody can appreciate the gratification that comes from knocking out a five hour drive in three and a half.

I get frustrated though. I think I can comfortably say that bad drivers are a pet peeve of mine. People that stay in the left lane even though they can see you coming up on them for miles and they still don't get over to let you pass. That bugs me.

People that don't use cruise control but have some inexplicable need to be the fastest car on the road. That one really bugs me. It's just dumb. You get over to the right hand lane to let them pass, and then after they pass you they slow down after you've already gotten into the left lane again so you have to put on your brakes and interrupt the cruise control to avoid hitting them. Then you pass them in the right hand lane (because of course they won't move over) and as you're passing them they realize they've slowed down so they speed up again and pass you. Rinse and repeat.

The really bad ones are the ones that only realize that they need to move over as you're already moving over to pass them on the right side. They start moving over as you're partway in the other lane and then you both swerve left and right until you end up in different lanes. Then the other driver gives you a dirty look because fast drivers punch babies when they're not driving.

Then there's trucks.

First there's the eighteen-wheelers. Most of the time those are actually pretty courteous drivers. Occasionally, however, you get a situation where one truck tries to overtake and pass another tuck, but the difference in their speeds is like .2 mph and they're both eighty kajillion feet long and invariably this happens near the base of a long hill, so halfway through the passing process the passing truck slows down to the same speed as the other truck. By now I'm shouting encouraging words at the passing truck and hoping he blows a tire and runs off a cliff.

Next there's the guys driving these huge lifted pickups. I'm not a truck guy. Never will be. It's stupid. Trucks are stupid, especially for road trips. They get like three miles to the gallon. Even as a daily driver it's ridiculous. How often do you really haul a trailer? How often do you carry eighty cords of wood? Save some money and rent one for a day when you need it! They kill you on gas, not to mention they're already ungodly expensive to buy. When it comes to driving though, this is the one stereotype that I absolutely believe in and wholeheartedly endorse. People that drive trucks are jerks. Every single one of them. Just because your truck can run over my car doesn't mean you get to demonstrate. My car is faster than your truck but I'm not going to rub that in your face. I'll just punch your baby.

Then I'll go to McDonalds for a delicous Egg McMuffin.