Monday, June 15, 2009

Motor Oil and 1337 Sauce

Brace yourselves, friends, for a tale of joy and sadness! A tale of triumphant triumphs and miniature LED flashlights!

My car needs a new rear shock absorber.

Boo.

Anyone who's ridden in my car recently (all 3 of them) will tell you that, when properly loaded with 300 lbs of computers and associated electronic goodies, 50 lbs of junk food, roughly half a ton of nerdy weekend escapists, and enough mountain dew to give a horse a heart attack, my car makes a sound that most people would describe to their mechanic as "kkrkrrrrrrhghghgghheeeeegheghghggrrrrrkk."

That's usually the point at which your mechanic smiles and says "that's car speak for $600." Then for kicks and giggles, "But just to be sure, could you make that really stupid noise again? I don't think all the guys got to hear that."

Not me. No sir. I'm wise to the mechanic world. I once managed to infiltrate their ranks, and learned all of their secrets.

So I'm going to replace it myself. With the help of handy Mr. Internet, I was able to locate just the parts I needed and found them for a great price. Just to be sure, however, I decided it would be prudent to look at the shocks on my car and make sure they matched the ones I found online.

LED Flashlight, I choose you!!!

I always like to keep one of these things around. Cars are dark, scary places--especially underneath at 8 pm--and LED flashlights (especially those made for automotive use) are conveniently sized to get in and shine where their bulky big brothers fall short. Now, selecting a quality LED flashlight is important, so I made sure to turn mine around and look at it from all angles after picking it up from the display near the cash register. It was beautiful. I took one look and thought, "Baby, you had me from 'press here.'"

Sadly, it wasn't meant to last. The greatest strength of my beloved flashlight may yet prove to be its Achilles' Heel. It's tiny.

I usually keep it in my assorted box 'o tech goodies. This is like a geeky treasure trove that I keep hidden from the world in my closet. You know, I think I'm still kind of a closet geek, to be honest. Based on who's asking, my response to any question about my background with computers will range anywhere from "I dabble in them here and there" to "My (insert WoW character race/class) is so 1337 he totally pwns teh n00bs with wtfomgbbq sauce."

Ok, I probably wouldn't actually say the latter. Probably.

Back to my geeky treasure trove, I've got everything in there. Extra power cables, cat 5 cables, display cables, extra hard drives (possibly shot), extra optical drives (likely shot), old ram, an old graphics card, a 4 port router, a wireless card, headphones... you get the idea. Basically, anything I get my hands on that still works and can be placed into, on top of, around, or next to a computer, it goes in the box. Random assorted techie things can also find a home there. It comes in handy.

But the closet is dark, and the flashlight is tiny. So I was searching through my box when I realized "man, I could really use a flashlight." Then, overcome by the irony of the situation, I decided to pull the box out of the closet.

It was then that I discovered that my dear flashlight had left me.

I am a man in ruins.

Sadly, the ending to this story is unwritten. Like many a terrible blog posting, I have begun with nary an end in sight. Will the two star-crossed lovers be reunited? Will I ever be truly at one with my nerdy self? Will my car continue to plead with me for mercy? Will the world ever know how many licks it takes to get the center of a tootsie pop?

No, Mr. Owl. No it won't.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Corn Dogs and Relationship Maintenance

I realized today that love and I have been apart for quite some time.

I'm ok. I'm not sad.

I just feel bad for love sometimes.

It's been so long since we've even spoken. I haven't written. I haven't called. Love was never much for texting, but I really haven't even thought to do that in quite some time. I just don't think about it much. I know, I'm a jerk. I still see it every now and then, in passing. Occasionally I pass it in the hallways at the university, catch its eye at work, or see it sitting all alone in the food court, eating a corn dog--a touch of mustard waiting to be dabbed from its cheek with a napkin, and no one to dab.

I know it wouldn't take much. I'm sure love just wants to talk every now and then--you know, catch up and spend some time together just talking about what's been going on in our lives. It's not like it hasn't tried. It wouldn't even need to be a romantic thing really. Love has always been like that. It just enjoys spending time together. I mean, we could probably just grab chinese food and a movie from redbox. Sure, we get kind of lazy together, so it would probably end up as ritz crackers and the discovery channel, but that's not what's important, right?

I've just been so busy. I mean, life is crazy, you know? Stuff happens, you lose focus... things that seemed less important become more so, and vise versa.

I should give love a call. Do you think it's been too long? I mean, what if it's moved on? What if it hates me now? What if it got back together with whats-its-face? It's got so much going for it, there's no way it could have waited for me all this time.

Oh what a fool I've been! We had something good, once upon a time. Maybe there's still time. Maybe there's still hope for us. I've gotta believe that. I just have to.

But I've still gotta play it smart. Fools rush in, right? No, if I come running back it'll think I'm desperate. Right there--Boom! game over. No... no, I can't risk that. I've still gotta play it smooth. I can do that.

Afterall, I don't really miss love. I've been this long without it, and I'm ok. I don't really need it. I'm ok. I'm not sad. I just feel bad for love, that's all.