Parsnips and Meat Mallets

Have you ever watched Iron Chef? I did. Today, in fact. I guess it was actually "Iron Chef America," which is quite possibly different from plain old "Iron Chef." I must've thought to myself like eight separate times "Ok guys, this is a cooking show." It's ridiculous. They start the show by announcing the challenger like he's a heavyweight boxer and then they show him walking up to the host of the show along some dimly lit path that's covered in rolling smoke, and then when they announce the secret ingredient the host guy goes so crazy over it he somehow manages to karate chop himself in the eye.

It's like Emeril meets Mortal Combat, complete with bad techno music and sharp objects. After the judges made their final decision I half expected to hear a loud voice yell "FINISH HIM!" and see the Iron Chef tear his opponent apart with a cheese grater and garlic press as the Sous Chefs on both sides engage in an all-out brawl, wielding pepper grinders and meat mallets.

And then there's the announcers. I'm not sure where they find these people but I think they should put them back. They announce every movement of every chef on the floor like they'd just saved a human baby from a runaway bus. "By the Beard Of Zeus! Is he making a balsamic reduction with lemon zest and brown sugar?! I can't believe it! HE IS! I mean, I've seen some risky things attempted in my time, but THIS HAS GOT TO TAKE THE CAKE!"

And the sad thing is, you know that somewhere there's a middle aged balding man sitting on a couch in his parents' basement with an Iron Chef t-shirt covering half his belly, cradling a bowl of popcorn who just sat up, spilling his popcorn onto the floor and yelling at the TV "IS HE INSANE?!?!"

Oh, and for some reason, Lincoln markets heavily to viewers of the food channel. I'm not really sure why, or what market they're trying to reach here. I probably saw upwards of ten commercials for Lincoln vehicles in the time that I was watching the food channel. Do people who like to cook have more money? Do hungry people drive Lincoln? Maybe it's fat people they're trying to target. Lincolns are usually pretty big cars. Or maybe it's because buying a Lincoln is just about as dumb as karate chopping yourself in the eye. Yeah, let's go with that.