Accusations and Elipticals

When I go to the gym I like to watch the news. It's just about the only time I ever do. Men are notorious for being bad at multi-tasking, but this is something I'm actually very proud of. I exercise, listen to music, and watch the news -- all at the same time. Beat that, Soccer Mom.

Occasionally, I even let my mind wander (I know, I'm good). I think about a lot of random things. Have you ever stopped yourself mid-thought and thought to yourself, "Man, this is random. What started all this?"? OK, maybe it's just me. Well, after many careful observations I've come to some startling conclusions.

Due to the accusatory nature of my hypotheses it is only politically correct of me to attempt to keep the identity of the organization anonymous. As such, I will refer to said organization in this post only as "The Gym", though it is possible that through descriptions provided you may deduce the identity on your own.

When I get on the treadmill I always get on the one right in front of the TV playing Fox News. I know, I know. Paint me red. I've already told you that I plan to join the military, so if you haven't picked up on my political preference yet then maybe you should be reading something else. Something with pictures. In fact, try this. In my version of the story the Alligators would have eaten the wiener dogs and the last page would show the girl crying in a messy room.

As I was saying, when I get on the treadmills I watch Fox News. When I use the elliptical machines I have to watch CNN. No ellipticals in front of Fox... That got me thinking. Are the TVs positioned based on intensive market research? Are Conservatives less willing to use an elliptical machine because it's relatively new and based upon "questionable" research? Do Liberals reject the established and traditionally accepted staple of exercise because it's not hip and different enough? Or could there be something more sinister at work here...

My next observation was even more shocking. There are probably around one hundred aerobics machines at The Gym. The machines are organized in multiple rows and two columns, divided by a central walkway. As such, the TVs are similarly organized. The interesting thing is how the rows are organized. The order goes like this: a row of TVs, then a row of treadmills, followed by a row of elliptical machines. Rinse and repeat. This pattern holds true on all rows but the one that shows Fox News. No ellipticals there.

So what does all this mean? Are Conservative Treadmillers intentionally getting the prime TV viewing real estate, and, therefore, preferential treatment? Are Liberal Ellipticallers being treated as second class citizens? The implications are mind blowing.

The first thought, of course, is that there is an extremist right wing conspiracy at work in our nations The Gyms. Too easy. No, it's much more convoluted than that. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Think about it -- what better way to gain sympathy and support for your cause then to paint the opposition as being more extremist than you are? That's right. Now you're beginning to understand. So what if a few of your own have to suffer in order to gain the majority support of The Middle? I know, it's sick, but the evidence is overwhelming.

Though I confess that I side more often than not with the Conservatives, I would like to believe that I'm a very moderate political thinker. I know that everyone says that, but I have proof. I use both the treadmill and the elliptical.

So what are we to do in light of recent revelations and overwhelming evidence that an extremist political movement utilizing questionable methods is operating unseen among us? Should we demand that further investigation be conducted to see just how deep the conspiracy goes? Should we boycott all the The Gyms across the country? Should we demand equal treatment of both treadmill and elliptical users?

As for me, I'd just be happy if they put an elliptical near the Fox News TV. Behind the treadmill.