Brimstone and Benjamins

I've decided that there must be a special place in Hell for bad tippers.

If Hell is a hotel I hope the elevator is busted and they get a room on the kabillionth floor. Right next to the ice machine. With busted AC. Oh and I hope that someone's annoying little brat pulls the fire alarm sometime between two and five every morning.

If you believe in karma then I hope that they spend their next lives as Port-O-Johns.

Extreme? Maybe.

This happens to be a subject that I feel rather strongly about, so allow me to enlighten my devoted readers on the subject of proper dining etiquette and tipping practices.

First off, there's a couple things that the general public does not usually know about the people who wait on them.

1. In some states (Utah is one) waiters are paid $2.13 an hour.

This isn't only at some restaurants. This is almost every restaurant. Yes, even the Super-Ritzy one that serves eighty-kabillion-dollar bottles of wine where they have someone called a Maiter D' and they regard children in the same way that they look upon guide dogs for the blind (we'll tolerate it as long as it shuts up and doesn't pee on anything).

This means that if you don't pay your waiter for their service, he/she is making little more than a third of minimum wage. Unless your waiter intentionally poisons you, you will tip at least 10%. If your waiter was decent, but not good, you tip 15%. If your waiter was friendly and made good recommendations and few, if any, mistakes were quickly and graciously corrected, you tip 20%. If you're like me, then you also have a minimum tip that you will give when you are eating in a cheaper restaurant like IHOP where 20% of your bill is still pretty measly.

But if the service was horrible why can't I tip nothing?

You can, but it would have to be absolutely ridiculously horrible and it would have to be all the waiter's fault. Here's why.

2. Waiters must tip anywhere from 3-10% of their gross sales (the money their customers spend) to other employees of the restaurant, depending on the specific restaurant. They pay bussers, expediters, bartenders, etc. for their part of the service.

In order to better explain what this means, allow me to paint a picture for you. Cue the muzak.

You are in a very nice restaurant. The table in front of you is a solid slab of petrified wood taken from the ruins of an ancient civilization whose cuisine is the centerpiece of the evening's dining experience. There are rose petals in your drink and fragrant candles flicker atop polished golden candlesticks handcrafted by the last known descendant of Michelangelo. On a whim, you order a bottle of wine that dates back farther than you can trace your ancestry for a mere $3000. The wine is excellent. You, however believe that it would be absurd to tip your waiter 20%, or $600, and instead decide that a generous tip would be $50. For simply fetching the bottle and opening it, that seems like a very good amount of money. What you don't know is that the waiter, from your $3000 must tip out, altogether, 6% to his busser, expediter, and somalier, which comes to a total of $180. For the service that your waiter has rendered, your waiter is now $130 in debt.

Though most waiters deal with money in smaller amounts, the concept is the same. What it means is that if I have a table tip me less than 3% (the percentage at my restaurant), not only have I not made money, I've lost money! I've paid money to work! And it happens, folks.

3. Sometimes the service is sub-par because the server is overloaded with customers, which can happen for any number of reasons. Management didn't schedule enough servers, servers called in sick at the last minute, or you just happened to show up at an unexpected rush. It happens. You may not be able to see the entire restaurant from where you're sitting, but even though there's only fifteen tables they've been split between two servers or your server's table of fifteen just asked for seperate checks and they're all paying with cash. In a nicer restaurant, any of these situations are more likely to occur than just having bad service because your server decided to celebrate Mediocre Day.

Ok, ok. But some take issue with the tipping system altogether. Why must we pay money to compensate others for taking a job that pays less than minimum wage? Why should we have to make up for the fact that restaurants pay their employees jack squat?

Capitalism, my friends. The free market economy. You want paid waiters? Go to Europe. I lived there. Service is a middle finger and a smile. Often without the smile. It's all about motivation, and money motivates. It's that simple. And you tip percentage because nicer restaurants hire servers that are more experienced, more competent, and more knowledgeable - which boils down to more expensive.

Oh and if you're happy with the service then you should tip well. I know that sounds redundant, but a sincere thank you and a smile doesn't make my car payment or put gas in my tank. You're a nice person but I don't come to work to make lots of friends.

Bottom line: if you can't afford to tip well you can't afford to eat well, or you just might spend your next life as a toilet.